Your unconscious, partially true beliefs about money may be at the root of where you and your romantic partner, family member or other loved one(s) get caught in a conflict cycle of frustration and disconnection. When reflecting back on different places you get stuck together, you may consider what past history you’re both bringing to the conversation without realizing it.
I often joke money is a loaded topic in sessions with people who fight about money. Sometimes this can help normalize, lighten the air and give the tension in the interaction enough of a shake so both are better able to come back from a survival response to connection. In reality money is far from a joking matter for many people, especially in the middle of a fight. Money brings up themes of survival, belonging, attachment and security, and of course self-worth. These themes can be so innate and built into our experience in our socioeconomic culture that they go underground and unseen. Without even realizing it, you’ve cornered yourself into a place of thinking there’s only one way to go about handling money and your loved one has got it all wrong.
It may come as no surprise to you that in reality, there really is no one right way of handling money. This concept can help us go far in life and in love. Money serves a purpose and it’s meant to be used as a tool. Unfortunately not all of us were taught how to use it as such, and in turn, money rules our lives, our relationships or our sense of self.
Doing work around our unconscious beliefs about money can help to illuminate what we’re bringing to our relationships so that we can better understand ourselves and our loved ones, find common values and ground to make important decisions collaboratively.
To define a money script is to go back in time and understand that it is the deeply held idea or set of ideas that guides your present decision making and keeps you from making healthy decisions or having healthy conversations about it. Our money scripts are in essence our biases that we hold outside of our own awareness.
Some examples of money scripts:
“I have to work hard for money.”
“People with money are evil.”
“Money isn’t important.”
“Money should never be talked about.”’
If you notice a pattern here, you’ve already got the main concept. There is usually some kind of judgment, splitting (ie good/bad), avoidance or fear. When our financial socialization (the early times in life when we learned about money from others) included survival based intergenerational money scripts often left over from times of the great depression, immigration, enslavement, and more, it can be even harder to have conversations about money without this kind of survival response arising within us and triggering both partners.
Understanding that there is much emotional content and thought patterning to overcome, can help us set expectations and find compassion for ourselves and our partners through these themes of financial distress.
If you can find a way to connect the present reaction to past experiences of your own financial trauma, financial stress and/or money scripts passed down to you, you may fight it easier to be patient, kinder and gentler with yourselves and the process.
It can take time to make these connections, identify the scripts themselves and then use the insight to foster change. Being open minded to the process and leaning into trusting yourself more can also help. And if you get stuck or if the progress feels slower than you can tolerate, there are financial couples therapists who can help you get untangled and make more efficient and faster progress too.
We don’t have to let our unconscious beliefs and attitudes about money hijack the precious resources and important conversations we need to have with our loved ones to make important things happen together. Hope this concept helps you both find more connection around your disconnection.
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