Finding each other again after months or years of distance can feel daunting, and it’s very common for partners to come to session feeling anxious or uncertain about discovering each other again. It can feel almost like starting over… with someone you used to know deeply but don’t anymore. All kinds of feelings can come around it, grief, fear, guilt, frustration. No matter what you’re feeling, it’s important to know that these feelings can be helpful to process and to share aloud, with compassion, so you partner can hear about how you’re feeling and what you’re needing from them.
Whether distance was caused by a job that was all consuming, years of focus on parenting and your kids, something external that took your attention away or even a betrayal that happened in your relationship that changed things. Whatever the reason, the idea of rekindling a deeper connection can seem nearly impossible or confusing. To normalize this, I often share that I see this with many couples, and that even if the perspective both have is not yet hopeful to start, hope can be built with mutual effort and my support.
When working with couples who can either identify what’s come between them, or not, I often start by asking them to talk about relationship history. Next, to talk about current interactions they have so as to start to explore what they may be doing together as a result of history, to make it difficult to turn towards one another. After some time of exploring this and establishing some good working rapport, we start to get into the more subtle feelings that are happening between each other in those interactions that might be causing some strain.
By exploring those deeper more vulnerable feelings, each partner can start to connect to themselves while they start to understand their partner in a new way. Many times the self-report of one partner can sound redundant or even worn out because the words are similar and maybe even reminiscent of conflict that they had before repeatedly. This past experience and history together can get in the way of listening and really hearing each other. I make headway into the connection by slowing things down, getting more detailed and offering emotional support for both so as to get to the heart of the matter for each partner.
After doing this for several sessions, sometimes a few months for some couples depending on the level of stuckness and past trauma, something starts to move. It’s this methodical practice of showing up to sessions, practicing getting more vulnerable. Opening up to each other with inner courage and external support starts to get easier with time.
Many couples can and do find that they still like each other, want to get to know each other and find ways to manage the anxiety and even relieve it through offering corrective experiences for one another.
The path is not always clear, or easy to begin. And it does get easier with conscious, intentional practice, guidance and mutually choosing each other again.
If this blog speaks to you, and you’re looking to find support for yourself and your partner to reconnect, please do reach out to schedule an initial call.
